Kathy died this past weekend.We've been friends for years, and in fact, she was one of the first people I met when I started working in the visual effects business in 1992. She was my boss while I modeled the polar bears for Coke, she encouraged me to animate on Seafari (my first professional animation gig!) and she and her ex were awesome foils and mentors for a young, headstrong kid just starting out in the entertainment industry.
I was just 21 back then.
Of course, over the years we'd gone along different paths, but we stayed in touch; she was at my son's first birthday party and we've had dinner a couple of times in the last four years.
I can't believe she killed herself. I understand depression. But the last time we talked it sounded like things were going so well and this came right out of left field.
It feels like a bright star has winked out of existence and the world is a poorer place for it.
I will miss you Kathy.
15 comments:
That's tragic. I'm so sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry to hear this. Suicide always weighs heavy on my heart. I lost a friend to suicide back in July of 2002. It also caught us by total surprise. I still get angry at him from time to time.
I hope for healing for you and all those who loved Kathy.
Thanks, you guys.
I'm actually doing all right. (I love my wife- she's really been supportive.) Yeah, the tears have come and gone, and I don't suppose they're gone for good, but we'll see, but I think the biggest question I have is "why."
But then again, deciding to leave behind a couple of kids, a loving sister and a host of supportive friends would take something pretty terrible...
Maybe I don't really want to know.
I don't think it's possible, even if someone leaves a note, to understand the real reasons that led them to take their own life when they were perfectly healthy.
I do know that depression is crippling and mind altering, your logic and reason are squashed so low as to be almost non-existent. I've known people who were completely surrounded by loving supportive people who though that they were a burden on everyone and that the world would be better off without them.
So... you know about menopause? And you know about getting off antidepressants?
And, tell me, do you know about the decency of respecting a person privacy? Do you care about Kathy and her family? If you really do, please remove your unnecessary speculations on her motives.
Show some love, please, because she, and her family, deserve it.
Ummm... I'm sorry, anonymous. I do care about Kathy. I was not speculating on her motives but rather putting what her husband told me into perspective.
I truly believe I posted this with utmost respect and love, and asking why is a common response to an event such as this.
If her family sees this blog and asks me to remove this entry, of course I will. In the meantime, this is my blog, and these are my opinions. I've already deleted the offending sentence, but commenting anonymously is pretty cowardly.
I am very sorry about Kathy. I have lost two friends, one in 1977 one in 2008. Its painful for those of us left behind, I can't say I understand completely why someone would make this choice but I do feel I understand. It brings out a range of emotions when someone ends their own life. My thoughts are with you and her family.
PS I think Anon's comments were totally uncalled for.
I'm sorry Anonymous, that you couldn't see Steve's post for what it is. An true and frank response to a tragic loss. I think he is very honest about his love for a friend, and his inability to understand why, but he acknowledges her depression as well. I think this just points out the bigger picture – one that you are also aggressively pointing out, but perhaps not in such a constructive way. We need to talk about depression – we need to learn more, be open, be supportive, be educated, be aware.
I knew Kathy as well. Not nearly as much as I would have liked – I didn't know of her years of struggle. I really liked her – she was so kind and warm, we felt the same about the lack of human kindness in our industry, and we were both atheists. When I heard she had died I felt the same shock and profound sadness as so many of my friends. I think it's really important to realise that when someone takes their own life it is very natural for family and friends to feel so many emotions – shock, sorrow, anger, denial, disbelief. There is nothing wrong with feeling any of those things... we are human and we try to understand as best we can. Sometimes it is very hard to find sense in things.
I don't know what torment and sadness had plagued our dear friend Kathy for so many years, but I do know a lot about depression and being suicidal. Mental health is both the least understood and the least supported area of medicine. We still don't want to admit if we suffer from depression, and how does someone get extended sick leave for it when their ability to work is impaired? We have a long way to go before people really understand that the brain can get sick just like the heart or liver can... depression is a disease. We instantly understand what a person going through cancer or diabetes is facing, yet with depression society shies away and doesn't really offer the support they need. You can't say 'oh just snap out of it' or have a couple of days off – it is a long and immensely difficult process. Even many doctors don't understand.
When you are in the very depths – and your life seems to be running out of choices, I can only say that making that decision to end your life can seem like your only hope. It can feel like the one thing you have left to look forward to – as you know the pain will stop. It has absolutely nothing to do with the people in your life and how completely you love them. You simply have reached a point where the inner pain of life is more than you can bear. That going through the motions every day is too much.
That pain, that inability to cope is because of one thing. Brain chemistry. We need to remember – every one of us – that the reason we DO NOT make the choice that Kathy did when our lives get too painful, is because our brain chemistry is working correctly. When we suffer from depression, it is because our brain is suffering, and the dreadful symptom of that is thoughts and feelings and emotions that are not regular and controllable. We feel our lives are out of control. We don't cope. It takes an amazing support structure to help someone get well... and not everyone does.
18 years ago I was in that place. Circumstances beyond my control stopped me at the last minute from being able to do what Kathy did. I felt betrayed at the time – like my only hope was taken away from me. Now I am very very grateful - every day is a gift. I am still a depressive and I have to be very careful. Life can be so wonderful, but I can slip back into it easily when the chips are down. I never talked about it for a very long time. Perhaps that is the problem. Perhaps we need to talk more and more. We all need to know... support each other. So many friends have all been terribly sad over Kathy. I have too, though I know her pain has ended. I will always be sad that perhaps she might have found peace another way – but I do know she also had many things in life that did make her happy. She loved her children immensely. She had friends she so enjoyed and there were many good times as well as the bad. I think if she knew we were all talking of her, remembering what we loved, and also learning more about the disease that she lived alone with, she would be glad.
Thanks, Jude. And thanks everyone for your kind words. I don't understand anons motivations, but I guess every person takes events like these differently.
Thank you for rephrasing your post: it sounds like a very loving one now.
I don't think you meant it that way, but what I got from reading the previous
version was that menopause and antidepressants were the main causes of Kathy's choice. As Judemasti insightful emails explain, it is not so simple...
Also, some information heard from a family member may have been for you only, not for a blog. These the reasons for my previous post and for the unkind tone. I am sorry, it was not in my intention to hurt any of Kathy's friends.
Raffy (ex-Anonymous)
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